Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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