some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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