this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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