I'm jealous of your bromance
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
