So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
