Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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