Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
