It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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