Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
