the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
