I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
