I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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