I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
