You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
