Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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