You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They took my balls.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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