did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
