Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
