the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
