I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
