if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Randomize
