if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
