I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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