dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
