I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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