What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
