I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
