I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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