Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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