Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
