This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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