I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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