Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.