So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
