You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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