She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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