one might say we're banned from that church
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
