need another drink. this is the easiest way
Sponge bath it is.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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