Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
