So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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