My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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