you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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