Only a mothe r could love this liver
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
