Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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