Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
