listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
