She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
