Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
