I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
