When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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