I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
