I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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