I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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