mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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