I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Randomize
